Still I search....


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Feb 9, 2004
Its been awhile..

Its been awhile since I have posted so here goes...Bryae and I are still together, three months yesterday and I have a xanga now visit me there now.

Posted at 01:44 pm by onewingkindred
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Dec 21, 2003
Ramblings of a midnight madman..

BryŠ...she's all I ever talk about on here...shes all that dominates my mind...I dont know why I just cant understand why I feel So secondary. Whether it be to Hallie...Or to Her obsession with a certian actor...I find myself wishing I could die and be at my own funeral to see how much everyone would miss me...Would she even cry? Then the drugs kick in and I'm back again It all becomes the midnight ramblings of a madman driven to the brink of insanity by the love he seeks so inherently... I showed her my wilder side tonight...My alter-ego...She absolutly loved it...maybe if I stayed that way...No just as I love her for who she is she should also to me...Where Is this going you might be asking all my other entries have structure...the answer is I dont know nor do I give a damn the Only thing I know now is that I love BryŠ and nothing can change that even the pain I feel now..
Still I Search...
Atheral Tokaze

Posted at 12:20 am by onewingkindred
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Dec 20, 2003
Chapped lips and chapstick and things like chemistry..

I'm being torn apart by my own decisions... The bad decisions Ive made about all my relationship...It's trueone can love with out the other one loving back I guess I wanted every thing perfect (also). But maybe you're right BryŠ maybe nothing can be perfect...I think you are but maybe its because love is blind to all but what it loves...The scarring has begun my heart already feels as thought it is being ripped from my body. I wish BryŠ would rescue me and tell me truthfully that she totally loves me...Im losing faith it will ever happen...Screw the two weeks thing love is not a connection held back by time...I just thought we had a certian Chemistry..
Still I search...
Atheral Tokaze

Posted at 07:14 pm by onewingkindred
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Dec 19, 2003
A windy day...

I feel free to type whatever because I'm sure BryŠ (even though she knows the site) never checks it so I will tell you yesterdays story. Yesterday she told me to stop saying I loved her citing that it had only been two weeks that we have been dating...My insides wanted to scream 'Why deny myself, Why lie to my own mind" but all I said was ok...I submitted to her will. The two weeks thing is a big deal to me also. She is only the second person outside my immediate family that I have EVER told "I love you". This is driving me mad am I creating these problems in my mind by magnifying small things or are they truly worth fighting for someone let me know..comments are welcome and as the wind slices my face with its sharp coldness..Bryae slices my heart with the delivery of pain...
Still I search..
Atheral Tokaze

Posted at 08:19 am by onewingkindred
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Dec 18, 2003 the fine print

I do love BryŠ madly. I can't help it. Even though I dont want to, I still think of the future...Even though I dont think there is much chance of on so forth. I dont want to think that far ahead, I plan for tommorrow but live in today. It took me along time and many MANY heart aches to learn that. As much as I love her I'm scared to just hand it all over. Last time I did that the results were devistating. As much as I hope with all my heart that we last...and I think we will...I just can't plan how long. I don't understand her...which is weird because I usally know how to deal with most girls..Growing up with 2 of them helps. But she is a total mystery, I can't figure out......It doesn't matter not the time or the place...I find so many things about her that are simularities but also there are diffrences that is what makes for an intersting relationship but yet I find myself wondering when the time come will some vices fall away or will I...
Still I Search..
Athereal Tokaze

Posted at 01:27 pm by onewingkindred
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Dec 16, 2003
all that I am, Amounts to nothing...

These are the facts this is what I know...My life is a bitch. I've tried to end it so many times and been unsuccessful, just to bounce back to a happier and yet no matter how many times I reminding my self of this fact all I can do Is think of how it sucks.
You know wht sucks loveing and never being loved back, Knowing that the one person you love loves another...this will drive you mad...Knowing that every touch every kiss was meant for another...this will take you to the brink of insanity. Love is crazy enough as it is but this kind of love only puts someone in an asylum...I've been there although I refer to it as the hospital...Ive gone in there for one girl...a fe'ance. But I would go through that torture all again (people watching you even in the most private of places, being told what to do in the simplest of tasks and never, never being alone to your own thoughts..this is torture..this alone will drive you insane) I would do It all again if she would know of how I love her and she would return that love...truly I do..I do love her...but I will not endure much more of this pain...So I've been given a reason to change...every thing including my name...
Still I search...
Atheral Tokaze

Posted at 02:08 pm by onewingkindred
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Dec 15, 2003
The true horror...

Walk beside me my angel, my dear
Walk beside me and whisper in my ear
Tell me of your dreams and wonders unknown
Walk beside me and talk untill what inside is shown
All the beauty hidden under your skin
All the horrors that befell you hidden within
And when you get tired Ill carry you and your shoulders weight
We'll find and step inside a broad iron gate
There we'll talk and talk untill the sun arrives
Because when the sun does rise
All I'll be left with are shallow hollow lies
And you'll be gone away from me
Because that sun will give away the real me

Posted at 04:16 pm by onewingkindred
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weekend warrior...

This weekend was uneventful. I wrote and wrote...then for a change of pace...I wrote somemore. Then I went over to BryŠ's and (after being hyped all week) we did nothing but go get her tree. Not that it angered me or even put me off just made me question a few things.
Then sunday all that 11:30 at night we started texting back and forth when a plan evolved to where at lunch we would go off campus to "eat"...I have a feeling I'll be the one eating. Lol, one can only hope. Yes the situation BryŠ and I are in is not the best or the most favorable but the more time I spend with her the more I love her. I can't help it I'm a hopeless romantic and she appeals to everything good In me...but...
Still I search....
Elonaos Raine

Posted at 08:04 am by onewingkindred
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Dec 13, 2003
The funny-ness continues

I found a web site that will tell you your vampire name for role playing.
Mine is...

The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity:

Hanzi  Drown

Known in some parts of the world as:

Scourge  of The Highway Thieves

The Great Archives Record:

Takes more than gold from the rich on the highway - takes blood too.

You can find yours here...

Posted at 08:08 am by onewingkindred
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Old Gods On New Streets...

  Last night I did something I never do...never have the time to just sit and write. And thats exactly what I did, I sat down and wrote the fantasy novel that has swirled in my head from the time I adopted my nick name of one winged kindred...Now I must explain.
  One Wing Kindred: means Im missing a wing (my other half) and when I find this other half I will have my other wing and I will fly again. (metaphores-I love em!) ;p  Im a kindred because no way in hell am I an angel. But I know my counterpart is...
Still I search...
Elonaos Raine

Posted at 07:54 am by onewingkindred
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